Discover more from Vic Koopmans
I am on a plane. It’s a night flight. Heading somewhere only I know. Nearly all passengers are quiet, nearly all had some form of an upbringing. Nearly all.
Behind me sit Dumb, Dumber and Plain Retarded. Their lack of social awareness is only surpassed by their lack of intellect.
After having solved the puzzle of how to board a plane, they now have somehow, someway figured out how to activate the WiFi.
Voice messages, social media, clips and music on speaker. Accompanied by loud conversations, whistling and kicking the back of my seat.
My fellow passengers and I collect all the sickness bags to assure that they’ll have enough bags to drool in during the thirteen hour flight.
After an hour or two of the simplest jokes imaginable I decide to ask the nearest stewardess for three helmets and floats for the backseat neighbours. She tells me that she was already desperately searching.
Another hour passes. They sing and whistle along to the music coming from their crappy phone speakers, they make sure to kick the back of my seat with every joke they yell and ignore every aspect of common sense.
I send a friendly request: a second of compliance. A second request: no compliance. A less friendly statement: temporary compliance. The power of words and explicit sign language.
A few relatively quiet minutes go by as morning is coming around the corner. The food cart comes in sight. All braincells leave the chat and humour for the mentally challenged by choice enters.
The stewardess approaches and smiles at the Special Needs 3.
“The pasta or the chicken sandwich, sir?”
Dumber chuckles. “Sorry, what?”
“If you’d like to eat pasta or chicken, sir.”
“Pasta or chicken you say?”
“B… B… Both!” he yells.
Dumb and Plain Retarded burst out laughing. The stewardess and I join forces, giving them the blankest of stares. The Special Needs 3 faces turn into a new shade of red, uncontrollably laughing. The stewardess asks to borrow the palm of my hand so she can put it against her forehead.
“Both!” they all scream. “She, she wanted you to choose one and you said… you said: ‘BOTH’.”
Heads start to turn from above all seats, Dumb starts gasping for air. His face turns from red to purple. He motions that he’s suffocating. Dumber and Plain Retarded are too busy laughing to the funniest thing ever. They do not notice what’s happening to their friend. He wants to scream, but his lungs are imploding. Dumb’s eyes are gauging. Then he lies still. His breath forever stopped.
Plain Retarded finally notices his friend, but he’s laughing too hysterically. He’s unable to alert Dumber. He tries to talk, but his smile is so wide that his jaw dislocates. He’s uttering an interesting mixture of screaming and laughter. The pressure in his head rises. His face turns from purple to red, to blue, to purple. For a second his head starts swelling. It is followed by the sound of a meaty explosion.
The laughter stops. Only Dumber remains. Quiet now.
All passengers stare at him. The stewardess hands him the plate with the chicken sandwich. I hand him the corresponding cutlery.
“Eat,” I say.
Tears start streaming down his cheeks. But he doesn’t dare to disobey.
“Eat,” I repeat.
He removes the foil from the plate. The stewardess grabs parts of his former friend’s head from the floor and places the remainders on top of the chicken sandwich.
She puts her lips next to his ear, “Chicken and pasta,” she whispers.
His eyes are full of horror, full of fear. “I… I don’t want… Please… Please… I… I’m not hungry.”
The stewardess showcases her most marvelous company smile. “I do wish we could chat longer, but… You’re having an old friend for dinner.”
His trembling hand directs the fork into the pasta that was once his mate and…
I wake up. A voice via the intercom tells me we’re about to descend. My backseat neighbour kicks against the back of my seat.
This website is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Thank you!
Be sure to follow: www.instagram.com/campdky
Buy the book at: https://www.amazon.com/Vic-Koopmans-ebook/dp/B0B6TC4WX9/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=GWSYPFYSYYSU&keywords=vic+koopmans+head+first&qid=1658281167&sprefix=vic+koopmans+headfirst%2Caps%2C127&sr=8