HLY
Discover more from Vic Koopmans
Hello, my favourite one.
Twenty years have gone by since you left. Losing you has never gotten any easier. Mourning you has never ended, nor will it ever end. All I accomplished is turning contemplation into appreciation. No what if? but merely feeling gratitude for the time we got to spend together.
I vividly remember the moment that I heard you died. I went outside and walked until humanity had faded away. Standing in utter silence: fierce wind, grey skies and a miserable view. How appropriate it all was. It started pouring down. As millions of raindrops fell I showed solidarity.
My heart severely injured. An open wound that never healed.
Now two decades have passed and here I sit: 2 a.m. in utter silence, somewhere on the other side of the world. Thinking back to the soothing sound of your voice, your laugh, the feel of your embrace. Trying to replicate the feeling of the love you gave me.
My angel.
The reason I’m able to fight off these ominous shapes attempting to turn the stars I’m reaching for into inverted pentagrams. Never able to withstand you. Your presence scorching these mental demons. The beautiful light when all I see is darkness.
I have a million thoughts I would like to share with you. Thousands of words of thanks I still have to say to you. The longest lasting hug I still have to give to you. But I know that this piece of text will be all I’ll ever have.
I have no belief in any god, my favourite one. But I’m a dreamer. And last night, when I was asleep, I thought I caught a glimpse of you. Now I’m counting down the seconds until I can go to sleep again. To close my eyes for a few hours, hoping you’ll visit me. Because I can’t wait to tell you all about this life of mine.
To tell you about my downfall, my uprise, the horror and the beauty of life. To reminisce about all the care you took, reminisce about simpler times. To sit together at the dinner table, preparing lunch on a Friday afternoon.
Hoping you will be proud of me.
Hoping to be together with you again for a moment.
I love you.
Forever.
Picture: Cherry Laithang