Antigua

#28

This might be the most stunning view yet. And what’s more: I feel at ease. The scenery and current company are part of it, but it’s the fading negative inner monologue that’s the protagonist of this feel good, feeling better story.

A night of loud music and painkillers brought forth the umpteenth revelation and confirmation of what I’m not and what I aspire to be.

At some hour during the previous night I picked up my phone to help a friend feeling down. Upon returning to the party the girl I was with decided that the person calling must have been my invisible girlfriend and set out to ‘punish’ and ‘hurt’ me. (How dare I pick up the phone to help a friend in need…)

She grabbed the first guy standing nearby, started bumping and grinding, looked me dead in the eye and kissed him. Smiling at me afterwards.

What an ugly thing to do.

What a confirmation.

I turned around and let the sloppy second be, shouted “Free train tickets for everyone!” and decided not to waste thoughts nor feelings to those undeserving.

I went to bed to wake up the next morning feeling fine, heading out to where I’m standing now feeling like the finest. Tranquil, comfortable with myself. This viewpoint is perfect for looking back on former perspectives.

Have I changed? Yes. How? By trying and persistence. Trying is the daily keyword. Trying to progress, trying to develop myself on this road from cradle to grave, trying to preserve my attention for people that actually appreciate me and mean well. Letting go of the toxic ones not able to solve their own issues, projecting their insecurity on others, making their problems seem like yours.

“Being the coolest.” Oh, how important that once was. That’s for someone else now. I have the ink in my skin, drank the drinks, fought the fights and had the ‘cool’ friends. It’s all up for grabs. Available for the main contender in a nonexistent pissing contest.

I’ll focus on being an ambitious, altruistic person. Preferring being kind, helpful and understanding over some image that’ll eventually turn out to be irrelevant. I’ll embrace my weirdness and’ll throw opinions in the trash can.

Don’t get it twisted, this is far from going soft. The edge will stay on. The left-right will continue to work and be sure to keep an eye out on your daughter/sister, because evolution knows I will.

Such a feel good story, is it not? I’ll be sure to hug a tree. Afterwards I’ll climb it and hang some egotists from the branches.

I take a deep breath and enjoy nature’s finest once more. Then I nod and smile. Knowing this fighter’s spirit of mine will weather any storm. It will eventually save me. And I’ll be smooth sailing through this ocean of mental quicksand.

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